Don’t Hear What I Didn’t Say: A Therapist’s Guide to Better Communication and Connection

Communication is a valuable tool helping us to build relationships, reach mutual goals, and express our wants & needs.  Differences in communication styles can often result in additional conflict, misunderstanding, and frustration.  This is especially important to consider for neurodiverse individuals who may have a more “direct and literal” communication style that differs from the more “subtle and indirect” communication style of someone who is neurotypical. 

 We can empower and uplift neurodiverse individuals by remembering the phrase “Don’t Hear What I Didn’t Say” which encourages us to be mindful of the following tips. 

• Be aware of any internal motivators, biases, and emotions that may result in misinterpreting or making assumptions about what is being said. 
• Lead with empathy and understanding that encourages connection and honors differences in communication. 
• Avoid adding additional meaning or interpretation to direct statements. For example, “I don’t like my dinner” doesn’t mean “You’re a bad cook”. 
• If you are unsure of what is being said ask for clarification. 
• Be mindful of assumptions that you may make about non-verbal social cues. A neurodiverse individual avoiding eye contact does not always mean they are “uninterested or ignoring you”. 
• “Say what you mean and mean what you say” when providing feedback or responses to questions or request.  Ex: If your child asks for ice cream and the answer is “no”, saying “no” reduces the risk of further conflict or miscommunication.  Avoid vague statements that can be misunderstood or interpreted differently. Saying something such as “maybe later” when we really mean “no”, communicates a different meaning and intention than what you may have already decided. 
• Reflect on the barriers that could negatively affect understanding such as asking too many questions, not allowing the individual time to process and reflect, and heavy reliance on non-verbal body language. 
• Get creative with communication strategies such as games, arts and crafts, and play to express thoughts and feelings.